Stop Your Drama: Avoid The Guilt Trip Trap

By Marlene Chism

Most women avoid the n word like the plague. It’s hard to say “no” because saying “no” means you’re going to feel guilt and women would rather feel guilt than anger. This fear of the “n” word is more than just the need to please others. The fear comes from the understanding that when you say “no” others will try to manipulate you into saying “yes.” If the manipulation is successful, you feel overwhelmed and angry with yourself.

If the manipulation is unsuccessful, the person trying to convince you to say “yes” will use plan B: anger and disapproval. If you are one who fears anger and disapproval from others, you can easily get sucked into saying “yes” when you want to say “no.” If you continue to stick to your guns and you are still misunderstood, you are likely to pull out your own “plan B” and get mad back. Now you are stuck in the guilt trip trap.

It is important to make a distinction between the guilt trip and the guilt trip trap.

The guilt trip is that little mental vacation of negative self-talk that you take right before get manipulated into saying yes when youd rather say no. The guilt trip is self-induced.

In contrast, the guilt-trip-trap is when you stick to your guns and say no but risk the relationship in the process.

Either way you feel like a loser. The manipulator, (those who extend the invitation to the guilt trip) use shame-producing statements in an attempt to force you in to doing what they want, or trapping you into a no-win power struggle so that you learn never to say no again.

The manipulator can be your mother, your neighbor, your co-worker or your boss and their success with tripping or trapping you is dependent upon the power they hold over you: your need for their approval. The invitation to take the guilt trip can take the form of a question or a statement or a combination of both. The reason we get tricked or trapped is because most us dont recognize the invitation until we have already packed our bags and jumped on the guilt train.

Ive known highly successful grown women who simply cant say no to their mother because their mother is so good at inviting them to the guilt trip. When mom says something like, you mean I went through 24 hours of painstaking labor just to give birth to you and you cant spend fifteen minutes more on the phone with me?, the same woman who was dying to end a phone conversation packs her bags and stays for an extended visit on the phone so as to alleviate the guilt that has just been triggered.

For some women its their co-workers who are the master at the invitation. The manipulating co-worker says things like, I have two kids and a husband to take care of and here you are single with no obligations. It wont hurt you to do your fair share and chair the committee this year. Because you see the small kernel of truth in their statement, you go ahead and accept the invitation and comply with their request even though you feel guilty for not being true to yourself.

Or maybe its your single neighbor who does the inviting. You get asked to head up the neighborhood barbeque and when you say no, the invitation to the guilt trip goes something like this: Well, I always get stuck with it and Im a single woman who has to mow my yard, pay all of my own bills and work full time. At least you have another income and your son mows the yard. Would it hurt you to help out just this one time?

Although this kind of statement makes you boil inside, once again you see the logic and you go ahead with the request. By now youve probably noticed a pattern, but if you want to avoid the guilt-trip-trap you must know about the five levels of consciousness and the stages you will go through before learning to give a clean clear no.

Level one is when you say yes when you want to say no simply because you dont want to be judged as one who doesnt pull her fair share and because you want to avoid the invitation all together. The outcome is that you feel taken advantage of and you feel guilty about not being true to yourself.

At level two you are able to say no but then you get pressured (invited to the guilt trip) so you change your answer to yes to alleviate the guilt. Initially you feel good because you avoided conflict but when the time comes to fulfill your commitment you seethe with resentment toward the person who pressured you and now you try to avoid that person so you dont get tricked into saying yes again.

Internal conflict is the benchmark of level three. Level three is when you say yes, but know deep down inside that you arent going to comply. At level three you are just trying to cope. You are confused by your commitment to be true to yourself and to make sure you dont make someone else mad. You compensate for your confusion by making up a last minute excuse like being sick or having a wreck so you can wiggle out of the commitment. If you are truly conflicted you actually do get sick and it has become a pattern to the point of others viewing you as undependable. When you get sick its just your internal guidance system paying you back for betraying yourself.

The worst part of level three is you feel guilty for lying and you feel weak for not having the guts to stand up for yourself. Most of us waver between levels one, two and three depending upon the circumstances and the dynamics of the relationship. Very few of us get to level four or level five. We are scared to death of level four because that is the angry take-no-prisoners level.

The one good thing about level four there is no more confusion. You are clear that you can and will set the boundary, be it your mother, your co-worker, your neighbor or your boss. You are able to say no and you are willing to shout it loud and clear should anyone misunderstand. The problem with level four is that the pendulum has swung too far to the right. The anger that gives you the courage to voice your own boundaries is also the unmanageable force that threatens the relationships you worked so hard to build.

At level four you are primed for the invitation and you are determined not to let yourself get sucked into the invitation to the guilt trip. At level four you are good at identifying the invitation, however the anger you feel from actually noticing the manipulation is enough to momentarily make you lose consciousness. So when your manipulator says something like, I have already spent two weeks on this project and Ive had to deal with blah blah blah, and the least you could do is blah blah blah, Your response is as spontaneous as a volcano: Well then you win the crown the scepter and the robe!

Immediately you feel a surge of power instead of the guilt you have become so used to. You have successfully traded guilt for anger. Then when the lava begins to cool down you realize is the guilt-trip-trap that you were so afraid of to begin with.

The manipulator is angry because the manipulation didnt work and you are furious because she wont listen to your boundary. Even though you feel justified by sticking to your guns, you are preoccupied with the conversation that just took place so you spend your time obsessing about it trying to convince yourself that you really dont care and that you had every right to blow up. The only problem is that you do care and now you have an even bigger mess to clean up.

There is a way to Stop Your Drama so that you dont get sucked into the Guilt Trip Trap. All you have to do is say a clear clean no. No excuses, no justifications, no explaining, whining, comparing or power struggles. The challenge is that you have to quit hoping the other person will agree or understand. This bears repeating. Your challenge is to quit trying to make the other person understand your point of view.

When you notice the invitation (You are reminded about your mothers labor pains, or your single friends dilemma of mowing her own yard, or your married friends problems of having too many responsibilities, and so on,) let the initial waves of guilt wash over you. Then you can either smile and say Im sorry and let go of your need for their approval.

Or if you need to extend the dialogue, you can say any combination of the following: Yes, I see your point of view. I dont know how you do it. I hope you will respect my answer. I hate to disappoint you but I would hate more to disappoint myself.

Then even if they do stomp off angry, remind yourself that you dont have to play tit-for-tat. You are big enough to handle their anger and to forgive them for the error of their ways. When you need a little encouragement here is a quote from author Neale Donald Walsh: Betrayal of yourself is betrayal nonetheless. It is the highest betrayal.

About the Author: Marlene Chism is a relationship development expert who works with companies that want higher productivity and with people who want to be better communicators. She can be reached toll free at 1. 888.434.9085. To sign up for stop your drama tips, go to the web at

stopyourdrama.com

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